THE SALT CITY DERBY GIRLS HAVE A CLOSE ONE
by JEN PHILION
(Note: Jen Philion skates for the Death Dealers, but subbed for the Cleavers in the August 18 bout. As Roller Derby gets more professional, it gets tougher, causing injuries and retirements that deplete team rosters. Both the Cleavers and Sisters had to use skaters from other teams. The popular Philion, who skates as "Lady Shatterly" for the Death Dealers, used the persona "Jeneral Disarray" for the Cleavers. Other subs in the bout are also noted by their regular Derby name so fans (of which there are a large and growing number) can recognize their favorite skaters.
Rules of the game: A Derby bout, or game, has two teams of five skaters who duke it out in a two minute shift, or jam. There are three positions: one pivot, three blockers and one jammer. Pivots lead the pack, and set the pace for the skating. Like a football quarterback, they direct the game. Blockers are the main bulk of each team; they try to keep opponents from passing them to score points . Blockers are the main source of physical action. Jammers are the only ones who can score points. They start the jam in back, trying to make their way through the blockers, past the pivot and around the rink to lap the pack. They then try to break through the pack to the front. Jammers score one point for each opposing skater she passes, while blockers try to hold her back. Once a jammer gets through the pack, she becomes the lead jammer, and the referee follows her around the rink, pointing at her to indicate that she is the lead, while at the same time, the other team's jammer tries to get through the pack and overtake her.)
It was so close.
In perhaps the most exciting bout in the Salt City Derby Girls’ two-year history, a furious third-period rally by the Leave it to Cleavers fell just short, and the Sisters of No Mercy claimed their first league victory, 82-78.
Behind a league single-game scoring record of 46 points from jammer Sister Morphine (a.k.a. N.O.S.), and many crushing hits from blocker Toots Sweet and pivot Dr. Pain, the Sisters steadily built a commanding lead, taking a 23-point advantage into the third period.
In the locker room between periods, the disheartened Cleavers regrouped and refocused. “We can still win this game,” insisted Jeneral Disarray (a.k.a. Lady Shatterly). They decided on a new plan: Forget about trying to match points with Sister Morphine and Helena Handbasket (a.k.a. Honey DeLunatic, 21 points), and concentrate all their efforts on not letting the Sisters’ jammer through the pack.
This was a risky move, because it meant leaving the Cleavers’ own jammer to find ways to score points with little protection from the Sisters’ heavy hitters. But, reasoned Cleavers captain China White, “If they don’t score at all, then any points we score bring us back into the game.”
That’s when things got interesting.
Through the first five jams of the third period, Cleavers blockers held the Sisters scoreless, frustrating jammers Sister Morphine and Kinky Killbasa into fouls that sent them to the penalty bench. Mannarama, Jeneral Disarray and Hard Knock Wife delivered huge hits, knocking Helena Handbasket and Kinky Killbasa into the crowd.
Meanwhile, jammer Dirty Pirate Hooker racked up 14 points in two jams to help the Cleavers cut the Sisters’ lead to 71-68.
The crowd, enjoying the shift in momentum and sudden nail-biting action, got into the game with a hearty “Let’s go Cleavers!” cheer.
But the Sisters weren’t ready to roll over. “If we just hold it together for a few more minutes, we have this game,” pivot BrewHaHa! told her team.
The last half of the period was, almost literally, a knock-down, drag-out affair. Sister Morphine broke the Sisters’ scoring slump, shutting out Dirty Pirate Hooker 4-0. But the Cleavers crept back again, as jammer Helena Handbasket was sent to the penalty bench, allowing Martha Splatterhead (a.k.a. Medusa Damage) to score two unanswered points.
With the score 75-70, every single jam had the potential to turn the tide of the game. The Sisters’ Helena Handbasket came off the penalty bench to outscore Dirty Pirate Hooker 3-0. However, Dirty Pirate Hooker came right back, scoring five points in the next jam, while Sister Morphine was sent to the bench on a major back-blocking penalty.
In the 10th jam of the period, with the crowd in a shouting, screaming frenzy, Sister Morphine and Martha Splatterhead faced off as jammers. Blockers and pivots from both teams crashed into each other, bodies flying off the track into the crowd, while Sister Morphine broke through the pack as lead jammer.
The Cleavers formed a wall at the rear of the pack, hoping to hold speedy Sister Morphine back and give Martha Splatterhead a chance to catch up and score. The tactic paid off: Sister Morphine scored four points, while Martha Splatterhead earned three.
As the Sisters’ Deadly Sage lined up to jam against Dirty Pirate Hooker, the clock was ticking: 45 seconds, 44, 43 … As the clock ran down, the noise from the fans was deafening. With only a four-point lead, the Sisters had to keep the Cleavers’ jammer from scoring before time ran out. While Dirty Pirate Hooker broke through most of the Sisters blockers easily, BrewHaHa! made the game by refusing to let her pass, and prevented her from gaining scoring position as the clock wound down.
Final score: 82-78.
The Sisters erupted with the joy of their first win, while the Cleavers looked slightly dazed, unable to believe they had come so close to victory and lost. The crowd gave a standing ovation for the incredible competition they had seen that evening.
Leading Scorers:
Sisters of No Mercy:
Sister Morphine, 46 points
Helena Handbasket, 21 points
Leave it to Cleavers:
Dirty Pirate Hooker, 28 points
Jeneral Disarray, 15 points
Missy Pissy Pants, 12 points
Penalty Leaders
Sisters of No Mercy:
Toots Sweet, 20 minor penalties, 2 major penalties
Attila the Nun (a.k.a. Miss Discipline), 13 minor penalties
Leave it to Cleavers:
Jeneral Disarray, 19 minor penalties
Mannarama, 10 minor penalties, 1 major penalty